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I think it was yesterday when Mom told me that this time when she gave Benji a bath, she used laundry bleach to "make he more apricot." He's not orange, blue, bald, lime green or any other weird color, so I'm hoping that's an indication she didn't leave it in very long. That, or maybe she mistook one of the copious jars of sauerkraut for a jug of bleach, the same way she mistook an old, inbred, single-toothed, hard and unappealingly proportioned brown toy poodle for a home decorative item.
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*brother walks upstairs*
Mama: I got eeeeverytin' I need to make lasagna.
Mama: I got noodoos and meat and cotta' cheese...
Clay: You need ricotta cheese mom, not cottage cheese.
Mama: I say I got 'cotta cheese!
Clay: Ricotta cheese!
Mama: 'Cotta cheese!
Clay: Ricotta cheese!
Mama: 'COTTA CHEESE!
*loop*
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After the constant big dinners every night of fried chicken, clam chowder, pizza, tacos, egg rolls, etc., along with the blinding amount of candy Mom took up here and offered everyone to eat at every chance she got (after dinner, before dinner, between lunch and dinner, after lunch, before lunch, between breakfast and lunch, after breakfast, and before breakfast, often with reminders during the meals that there was candy waiting after we finished), along with me now living on the same floor as her in a room with no lock so that she may constantly pop in and note how much time I spend reading or on the computer while on vacation with nowhere to go, my mother is starting to go through one of her phases of being extra concerned about my weight.
These times consist pretty consistently of the following:
( Read more... )
Despite all the talk of good husbands, though, my mom in the end told me yesterday that what I should really look for/care about in a man is how many times he calls in sick to work. So long as he has a good job and doesn't call in sick much, then he's good enough. With high standards like that I might have to put up with him sleeping around some*, but it's a much better than trying to stick to just faithful men in the end.
*Though at times I may play around with my mother's phrasing of things to emphasize the silliness of some things, this is pretty much exactly what she said, reworded to make it make sense to..normal English speakers. She said it multiple times.
But anyway, this leads me to my final point: I NEED TO DECORATE MY SILETZ!HOME ROOM WITH AS MANY PICTURES OF FOOD AS POSSIBLE. Currently in the works is a collage of magazine cut outs of food that I will put on a large piece of cardboard I have. I wanted to finish it here before we left, but I just don't have enough food pictures yet. Clay did find for me a newspaper headline that said 'Dinner At Any Cost,' though. So. IF YOU FIND ANY GOOD/INTERESTING PICTURES OF FOOD, PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME. Remember, I'm at 11954 La Pan Dr. Boise, ID 83709. (Stalkers, please keep in mind that my mother also lives at this address. Unless you have a really good work ethic, she'll probably come after you with a butcher knife.)
Also, DO YOU HAVE ANY AWESOME STORIES OF PARENTS AND WEIGHT ISSUES? I want to hear all your fantastic stories.
PS. Back at Boise!Home now.
PPS. Probable next journal entry: Child Abuse, On Tape
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*Benji dances around at Mom's feet, glancing at his food bowl constantly*
“Boy, dog, you know? Dey can't talk but Dey sure can...you know.”
“Yep,” Dad says, continuing to pull on his boots. “They seem to be able to let you know what they're thinking without having to say anything at all.”
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Buddha
"Da more you know... Da less you die."
When the McKitchen family's son AhnLe brings home two stone Buddhas purchased for the suspiciously low price of $1 each from Valouse, the former prosperous dollar store and now neglected discount shop where he works, the McKitchens thought themselves blessed with good fortune. But as the Buddhas sat framing the entrance to the McKitchen home, was something more hatching under the summer sun?
****
“Dat Buddha, Noa. Dey bugs comin' outta he head. Dere lilla holes in he head bugs comin' out.”
*the McKitchen children share various looks and comments of disbelief*
****
“Dey is comin' outta he hair! Sooo many BUG!”
“Buddha doesn't have hair, Mom.”
“Well. He hava lump lump lump on he head and bug come outta he lump lump lump!”
****
“There weren't any holes on their heads.”
“Dey lilla, lilla! Dey lilla lika...lika tip of pin! But you see dem cause dey RED. Dey red like BLOOD.”
****
“Maybe Buddha hurt his head.”
“You kid, dat ain't laughin' ting. No bug like dat come from round hea.”
****
“I show Towel! Towel, she see dem too! She see dem, lilla bug red like BLOOD.”
****
“I wanna see the bugs on Buddha's head.”
“So do I.”
****
“It's too dark out here, I can't see.”
“Yeah, let's take it inside.”
“Ew, Le, gross, what if there's really something on it?”
****
“LE! YOU TAKE DAT TING OUT SIDE RAI NOW! I DON WANT DOSE TINGS INSIDE MY HOUSE!”
****
*You see?”
“Wow, yeah. There aren't very many, though.”
“I pour bleach on hea head I kill dem.”
“You poured bleach on Buddha's head?”
“Well, I kill dem. But you make sure your window close dey don't get inside.”
“But my window was open all day...”
****
“Your cousin, dey got two Buddha too.”
“Did you tell them to pour bleach on their heads?”
****
“I got two Buddha's from my store for the other cousins, but...”
“Yea?”
“When I was driving home, a cat ran right in front of my car, and I slammed on the breaks. The Buddhas slid forward and hit the seat, and their heads broke off.”
****
“Suppa glue. Ya see? I give our to cousin we keep dese ones.”
****
But when Mama, Papa, and ChiNoa McKitchen leave to vacation in their house in Oregon, leaving AhnLe and Lola the cat alone for a whole month...
...What will be left..
WHEN
THEY
GET
BACK?
****
“Oh my gooness, honey dea!”
BUDDHA
COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU
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| » Mama As A Foreign Language |
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My nieces are awesome because:
A) The second their parents let them loose, they unabashedly ran to the back door to stare at the poodles.
B) When no one else was listening, they then proceeded to ask me why Dad walks down the stairs backwards.
C) ...and admit to me that they could not understand much at all of what Mom says.
D) After Clay and I left, Mom apparently gave them the Christmas presents we had bought them HOW MANY YEARS AGO and never went over to give them because Mom was being grumpy, and Mom says THEY LOVED THEIR MY LITTLE PONIES.
Hailey also said to me quietly that our whole house was very pretty. That's totally something a mom tells her kids to say, only she did really well with it. So she's either really sweet, or an excellent actor. Good for her. Jeff is apparently sixteen, which is just creepy. I don't know about you, but I swear last time I checked, children didn't grow while you aren't around for years on end.
On that note, I recently found my Mama Dictionary again. So here for you today I have a test. Translate these sentences. Note these are not all actual things Mama has said, but are simply sentences designed to test your vocabulary.
1. Dolla contayge us, Daddy.
2. My tesnals all upset.
3. Now I gonna show-ed up in da tullet.
4. I gonna be so taya, I be chilvin all day.
5. And my noe so full a nuccets, I blow my noe snuckberg come flyin ow.
6. Dey gonna havta take me to da hospila!
7. But dey can't be doin dat, Daddy.
8. We gotta go to a myumyal today.
9. If we don't go to da myumyal, dose goat dey migh' come afta us, huh Daddy?
10. Dey migh' come afta us and knockka onna head!
11. I just hafta get betta, Daddy.
12. I poke myself witta nedoo letta sickness come out I get betta.
13. Dassa what you hafta do!
14. Lai' iffa snay bai' you, you just gotta get the vemblem ow, you can ussa nedoo.
15. But your son he so perdicular, Daddy!
16. He sick too, but he don' obun he doa!
17. We need ta check him, Daddy! You don know he just get contayge by dolla, or he get witcraff!
18. Is ahsnitch season, Daddy!
19. I even tell him I make he foo' he come ow!
20. I make he sausus and montain-man staow toe!
21. He just stubbun, Daddy!
22. You need ta splain to him, Daddy, he so spoy! Sheeyat!
23. I even make he chalupee if he wan!
24. I tell him we give he money take sista out to Icemac!
25. I obun my phurse I give he da money so long as he save me a sticket, he say ok, but he say Icemac boah!
26. Say go ow eat instead! But he can can go ow eat lai' dat, Daddy!
27. He look like hobosheeyat!
28. He look so weer!
29. And he wan us ta dry him cause he say da trantramission on he caa don work!
30. He jus' a sunbubbabit!
EXTRA CREDIT:
That folitman look like a hippie.
And finally, I thought this was just a very well done joke, but on further inspection...no?
http://worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53327 ...Which is just the coolest thing EVER.
My NANAKI got licensed. My only finished project. *woe* I was oh so proud of it. I guess I'll have to find another finished project. I found this awesome indie manga. Who the hell reads indie manga? No one. No one, because the whole concept goes against most all reasons why most people read manga. There's like, no point. It's so totally the one I want to do next. (What happened to you, NANAKI author Saenagi? I chose YOU because you were some random mangaka no one knew and surely had no chance of getting licensed or known. Why are now ALL BUT YOUR VERY LAST SERIES LICENSED BY TOKYOPOP? What happened to the anonymity you promised me?!?!? Where's the justice?) ...But not before I take down the NANAKI scanlations. ...After I take one more nap.
Mar. 31st, 2007 @ 02:39 am
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| » The Shiny |
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We're watching The Shining. (Or as Mom calls it, "The Shiny," a far better title.)
*Jack Nicholson acts crazy*
Mom: Go!
*Jack Nicholson acts crazy*
Mom: Knocka he onna head!
*Jack Nicholson acts crazy*
Mom: Go! Go 'way!
*Jack Nicholson acts crazy*
Mom: Go! Go, BITCH!
Me: ...What did you just say?
Mom: Well.
EDIT:
*later*
Mom: Chop he face! Chop he face!
Mom: Get da ax! Get da ax!
Mom: ...Dat Goddamn bitch.
Mar. 26th, 2007 @ 10:58 pm
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| » From a Sex-Line Service near you. |
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If you're waiting to hear about my crazy Thanksgiving, I'm sorry, but you got it mixed up, it's actually Christmas when the real fun usually breaks loose. Besides, this Thanksgiving Mom didn't invite The Bins over, so there were less people for her to put on a show for. She did talk a lot about the evils of TREES, though, and while that's normal for her, she's starting to sound really paranoid about this one. ...Go ahead and make a sarcastic comment if you like.
But instead of listening to a big, long post about this or that strange thing my mother suddenly decided to obsess about for the last big holiday, let's all just think for a little while about the things we love, the things we take for granted, the things we may have forgotten, like the memory of Coley lying wheezing on the floor, strange doggy-moans escaping at regular intervals, that one Thanksgiving we must have fed her too much.
But fine, if that's not enough for you, we all know that's not enough to make me actually post, so here, Clay convinced me to post Our Story up on this here site:
http://whocalled.us/lookup/7028182463
See if you can spot which one's mine.
Also, just for the record, each of the five poodles back then had their own reasonably sized Thanksgiving plate. Coley had just stolen from every single one of the other poodles, and there was honestly no stopping her, that dog knew how to run. And she knew how to bite. ...Obviously.
Nov. 23rd, 2006 @ 11:55 pm
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| » while you were gone |
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Pock,
While you were gone, Kevin got arrested for not showing up in court for a speeding ticket or something, and since his mom wasn't around Clay asked Mom and Dad to sign the bail thing for him and he would pay them back with the money he had at home. Mom got angry and Clay told her to forget it, but said he was considering lying to the people and telling them he had a job so he could do it, and Mom got more angry and went crazy. Also, people made noises and threw up in the bathroom again last night. Mom says the sumbubba bitch should move out, and so now he is half way through the process of moving all his stuff. I am ever more the good child to her, but she has also decided that going to Arizona will cost $1000, and they cannot afford it. Anyway, some of the money I had been saving to give to Clay for gas to help me move is now gone since I was expecting Mom and Dad to do it. Also, his car is in very questionable condition right now (although now we don't have scheduling conflicts with Clay's school since he has to drop out since he is no longer Mom's son or whatever and they will not help him and he has to get a job to pay for living and such). I can try leaving most of my stuff behind, so is there possibly a little room in your car for my clothes, computer (not monitor cause that thing's huge but I can't abandon Computer), and some random whateverelse's I need to take? Stuff can sit on my lap...
I will be sleeping since Mom asked me to stay up to let Cula and Cubin in when they came in the morning, but around 8:00am I went into Mom's room and asked her when they were coming cause I was sleepy, and she said oh they called her a long time ago and weren't coming anymore and she forgot to tell me, and I haven't been able to get more than an hour of continuous sleep in since with the yelling. So you might not get much out of me if you try calling. But do leave a message and I will get back to you. Goodnight.
Jun. 4th, 2005 @ 12:21 pm
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| » You know we got rats in the cellar? |
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Sorry, but I was a fool and left Charleston in Moscow, where he is probably getting raped by my roommate or something. So there are no St. Patrick's Day pictures. Sorry Charleston. You'll just have to look at the wads of my hair Mom has apparently been stealing from my brush when I visit on breaks and been stowing away in the medicine closet. And then there's this.
Mar. 17th, 2005 @ 11:41 pm
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| » Damn you, Seah: Part III |
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Mom: ...That's why I wanchew ta get a job where you can makin money.
Boy: I'm not changing my major.
Mom: Well. Youa major seem ok... But if you major in business...
Boy: I'm not majoring in business.
(Boy walks away)
Mom: ...(whispers)What he major in now, Daddy?
(long pause)
Dad: ...psychology.
Mom: What (is) psychology?
(long pause)
Dad: Uhh... Studying how people think.
Mom: Oh. Well he seem like he can get a job wi dat.
Mar. 14th, 2005 @ 03:57 pm
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| » Damn you, Seah. |
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Now, Seah. She tell Noa become Japanese teacher. She not gonna be Japanese teacher. She plan on doin sometin else. ...(suspiciously, as if trying to solve a strange mystery) Why she tell Noa do dat? Seah, what she gonna do?
I gonna be agains dat. I agains dat.
(to dad)...Now, you tell her. She can either be... Medicine Scientist. ...Or she can be... (long pause for thought) ...Electrical Engineerie. Udderwie, you tell her she neeta quit righnow.
Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 10:25 pm
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| » Bite something. |
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For those of you worried about Pocket, a while ago Mom sent her out the door with a bag of grapes, an entire box of buddy bars, and the advice that should she get sleepy, "bite something." That is to say, you obviously have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Mar. 11th, 2005 @ 10:44 pm
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| » Be a good boy. |
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"Mama goin to work. Gi me a hug."
"...don mess up my hair!"
"Ok. Now you be a good boy. Careful yoursel."
Jan. 11th, 2005 @ 06:33 am
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| » Ho-Bo Sheeyat |
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Come along on a fun ride for the whole family.
( It's Nora's Goodbye Dinner Day. In Pictures! )
So anyway, the point is that I've either got to go and blow up this picture and send it back to Mom, or I've got to find a way to fit an extra stomach into that dress and get some nice, professional pictures done at the Wall Market. How much does one person cost, anyway? ...and is the hat good with it?
Jan. 10th, 2005 @ 01:16 am
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| » Putty is as putty does. |
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Happy New Year everyone. I do hope you had fun doing whatever it is you do cause I didn't do anything and that was kind of boring. But I am happy, because now when I write down the date and ask myself what year it is and think, "Oh, it's 2004. No, wait. I'm always a year behind. It must be 2005." I'll actually be right.
I spent most all of yesterday playing Mojib Ribon, copying kanji from Nanaki, and reading Death Note. This lead to one of the best dreams I've had in a long time, where everyone looked like a mix between real people and drawings and talked in weird, mechanical Japanese. Of course, since I can't actually understand Japanese, my dream was kind enough to include subltitles on the right side of my vision, except that the subtitles were in Japanese, too. My brain's so stupid. Me and a bunch of creepy real-but-drawn-looking old men were trying to figure out who had murdered some lady and a bunch of other people. I was coming up with lots of good ideas and acting all smart and calculating and cool. My brain really must not know how to make a good story, if it can't even keep me in character. There was also a big, happy-looking robot that just stared around our shoulders and sometimes rested his head on you and didn't say anything. But I think he was there to help, too, in his own special way. I think I must have supposed to have taken the place of the main character from Death Note, minus the being a homicidal psycho thing. Which is kind of disappointing, really.
I woke up to Mom demanding I eat breakfast. I opened my eyes, thought "Ah. It's a new year. So that means I'm 21 now. ...Oh, wait. It doesn't work like that." And then went back to sleep, a little disappointed.
When I actually did get up, I agreed to watch some movie with Parents about some wicked lady that marries lots of guys for their money. It's fun to listen to Mom watch these kinds of movies, because she is obsessed with the evil money-obsessed women. She will say things like, "Putty is as putty does," when the lady is acting particularly evil. I'm not entirely sure what this means, but we're thinking it translates to something like All Pretty People Are Wicked.
After the movie, Mom told me I needed to lose some weight, buy some tight pants, and swit (swish) my butt. I have such a putty face that all the boys come after me. Mom hates those evil putty ladies so much, but if what she says is true, I really don't think it's a wonder that those putty ladies turned evil, when they've got to put up with all those boys coming after them all the time. Mom just never looks at things through other people's perspectives.
Jan. 1st, 2005 @ 03:49 pm
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| » Mmm, red. |
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Mom said my cookies turned out well. Then, after looking at them for a little longer, she said she liked the big ones (Texus). Then she gathered all the big ones up and said I should make more for her to take to the Christmas party at work. I don't think she recognizes the shape. I love my Mama. Now all I need is more butter.
She also asked me to make a fruit cake. I didn't know we had molasses, so I got a recipe for white fruit cake. Then Mama was unhappy, cause she says fruit cakes are not supposed to be white. So after she got to sleep, I got to ( thinking )
Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 11:58 pm
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| » My Hodiday Seasons |
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Mom in the car, as we are talking about something completely different:
Mom: (exaggeratedly casual) So... Sarah friend [from Seattle]... She skinny or she fat?
I tell her she is skinny.
Mom: Huh... Seem like she... Seem like all her friend skinny...
And then she would say no more.
Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 05:16 am
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| » "Fight your BEST" |
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Mom gave me some advice today that I think I should pass on to the other girls around here.
It is important to exercise. In particular, it is important to lift weights with your legs, and have strong hands. This is so that when a man comes to kidnap you, when he push ya down on da floor - ya know, down the dirt, you can kick he in da ball with your strong legs. Balls dissa best place. Then, you grab he wiener squeeze real hard with your strong hands. "Fight your BEST," Mama says, and you can get away from dem people like to kill you, you know?
I think Mom's advice is important, not only for those girls trying to keep away from dem people like to kill you, but even for the average college girl, seeking the power and confidence she needs to make it in this male dominated society. Indeed, I'm sure there are already many females who know full well the empowering effects of knowing you may at any time grab a man's wiener and squeeze real hard. For those of us who have not yet experienced this, let us take mother's advice to heart. Fight you BEST! And don't forget to exercise your hands.
...Mother also informed me that there will be twenty sausages coming in the mail in the near future. Mmm, sausus.
Sep. 28th, 2004 @ 09:18 pm
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pukiban's journal
